Thanks to your thoughtful post kokfye but I’m not trying to flame you. Don’t perasan. I’m just trying to remind you not to look at people superficially instead try to look at the beautiful side of them. Charm is deceptive, you know.

Everyone love beautiful things, beautiful women. Guys always drool over cute pretty girls with big boobs, sexy long legs in miniskirt and silky long hair. It has always been like this for generations I guess. At least for those guys (dat include kokfye) I know since high school, they had always been like that. Some guys and girls would always go for the external appearance first when making friends, looking for partner, hiring employee.

But if everyone is going for the so perfect beautiful people, have you ever consider about those who are born to be not so beautiful? It’s not like they are ugly, but they are just less outstanding when being compared with those who are more appealing and attractive. If other people tell you that you are ugly and they don’t prefer to make friends/date you/hire you/etc…. how would you feel? HURT.

When you are doing this to other people, don’t you think you will hurt their feelings as well? Sometimes the word “ugly”, even though you did not say directly to someone face, but it will still hurt that person. Do you understand that hurtful feeling? Because I know how it feels.

When I was in high school, my male friends would criticize me that I’m ugly or give me the equal meaning of ugly. Few years passed, the estrogen and the cold in Russia made my skin fairer, made my boobs bigger. Unconsciously, my ex-schoolmates forgotten how they used to tease me and started to tell me that I’m beautiful, I look gorgeous and so. This is what I call superficial. People make friends, try to stick around you, try to suck up to you when you are good looking.

You might think I’m very mean and I do pick my friends, the beautiful ones from inside out. I don’t judge people from the way they look because I think everyone is born beautiful and unique in their own way. Some might have big eyes, some might have small eyes. But the most important thing that made them beautiful doesn’t come from how they look but it comes from the heart. Ugly people are those that made themselves ugly, those that being unkind and mistreat others.

When I was hospitalized, I don’t look good at all. After my surgery and plus the effects of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, I would say I looked ugly and scary. But none of my friends left me and it was also during this ugliest looking time that Ken fell in love with me.

What I want to say is outer beauty will not last forever. People will look beautiful sometimes and ugly sometimes. But the inner beauty will always stays and it will last forever. And it is because of the inner beauty that you have, that’s why I love you so much. (Belle, Yvonne, Yung, Kailoon, Allysa, Fiona, curryegg, Jian, Hao and everyone!)

When you want somebody to like or love you sincerely, don’t just look at the shell. Look what is inside. Because the most beautiful thing usually are hidden inside and you need to find it yourself. When you found it, you have actually gotten yourself a priceless treasure.- True love, True friends. There is nothing more beautiful than these in this world.

Everyone has scars on their body regardless whether it is big or small, visible or invisible. The visible one marks our victory in fighting for survival; the invisible one in our heart marks our emotional maturity and strength. But these scars did not make anyone look uglier or imperfect. Instead I think it makes someone more perfect, more beautiful and lovely. Because each scar has it own story and it marks our rich life experience.

Before I had my surgery, when I was with Yvonne, whenever I saw the scars on her back, I never think that it’s ugly. It just makes me love her more and more because of everything that she experienced and went through, she became the strong girl that I admire today. Each scar on her body marks her victory in fighting NF2.

I used to worry and care a lot what will people think when they saw my scar. I know people from the opposite road would turn around to take a look at me and I will wonder what they will talk about. I also worry that no one would love me anymore because everybody loves beautiful things. Since young, everyone loves my sister more because she is prettier. She gets more candies, she gets more attention, she gets more gifts. Additional scar on my skin is a big demerit point for me. I thought of getting a plastic surgery.

But God proved to me that true love comes from the heart, not the eyes. People around me fall in love with me. Family and friends love me more than ever. And Ken fell in love with me for the most ridiculous reason in the world; because I had cancer. He loves my scar because this is the proof that I fought, I won and survived cancer and one day when I start practicing medicine, I will be very proud of my scar. He said that my patients will feel more secure and comfortable with me because I understand what they are going through.

I do feel irritated when people say “Yeeeerrrr…” when they look at me.
No matter what disgusting expression that people show me, I would just smile back to them because I love this scar on my neck and it made me the person that you love today.

For everyone that have scars on your body, don’t worry about it. You still look beautiful and I think you are more beautiful now because you have become more perfect. You have learn, experience and grow and become the wiser person you are today.

People always tell you to Forgive and Forget.

But sometimes, I wonder if we can’t forget, how can we forgive?
I know hatred is something really bad and hating someone is not a nice feeling either. There are certain things that can never be forgotten. Things that hurt you so deeply that the wound can never heal. So can you still forgive that person who hurt you?

I tried forgiving and forget but when that particular person appear in front of me, my body burn in anger automatically. Though I don’t feel angry anymore since long long time ago but I just couldn’t help myself from being angry when I see that person walk past me. Why is that so? I also not too sure about it. The most logic explaination I could think of is probably I have split personality or probably I’m crazy.

So I wonder, can you really really forgive and forget someone easily? I’m not talking about those kind of small little matters like you don’t friend him/her because he/she didn’t want to borrow you his/her frying pan. I’m talking about what if that person did something that destroy your life or cause the death of your loved ones or something that really important to you. So will you forgive them?

I know my grandma never forgive him until his last breath. 40 over years ago, he left her for another woman. She was left with nothing, except her own children. She worked hard day and night just enough to keep her children well-fed. She worked till she fall sick but she doesn’t care and continue working because she knows if she stop, her children will starve. And due to those long years of working so hard, lack of good food and shelter, she was always weak and sick now. And one day suddenly he just appear to ask for apology when her children are all grown up and successful, living a rich life. She did not say a word to him. And I don’t think that grandpa of mine worth to be forgiven. Because he left his wife and children when they needed a husband and father the most. And being a single mum and had to work hard to raise 5 children is not something easy. And children that grow up fatherless, they will always lack of something, something that called a father’s love.

I hate irresponsible men. This also applied to those that made someone pregnant and runaway from responsibility.

I met a car accident yesterday night. And I hit my head really hard. I feel a bit weird now, perhaps I should get a brain scan to exclude contussion and hematoma. During that short moment, I felt what the victims of the bus crash, what Nian Ning, Boon Eng and Zailani went through before Death God came to collect their soul.

Dear friends,
If you are in Penang now, try to attend Nian Ning’s memorial tomorrow to show respect for her and at the same time raise awareness from respective governmental organisation. This might mean a lot to the nation as reporters will be there to capture the moments.

Venue: Mahindarama Buddhist Temple, Kampar Road, Penang
Time : 1000 hrs

for further information, click here.

Why want to wait for more deaths to occur before we take action when we can prevent it and fight alongside Nian Ning’s family now?

Have you signed the petition? click here.
Alternatively, please send your FULL NAME and IC NUMBER to buscrashnomore@gmail.com.

How many of you will notice that your friend feels tired or sick or left out from the group when they are feeling so? I can tell you that there are probably none or maybe 1 out of 20 people. Spending most of my time with elderly people, little children and patients in the hospital had made me more observant. I know how and when do people need a helping hand from me.

Each time I go out with my friends, I would constantly observe them in case they need help or not feeling very well. When a friend is tired, I would request other friends to let us off earlier to rest. When a friend is not feeling very well, I will get remedies to relieve her discomfort. When a friend feel left out from a conversation I would excuse myself and turn away from the crowd to accompany her. Because often when I needed someone to be considerate to me, I could rarely find one. So I understand how it feels.

Today someone told me I was just lazy spending most of my time sleeping. I wish I could be that lazy too! But ever since I finished my radiotherapy, my body has always been weak. I feel fatigue easily and I need more than 12 hours of sleep a day. No matter how early I go to bed, I will always wake up very late. I also want to sleep lesser and wake up earlier so that I could follow my mom to the market, go to those little stalls for wantan mee but I just couldn’t wake up, I will feel very tired and have running nose if I do so.

Do you know that after radiotherapy and chemotherapy, all the physiological processes in the body will become slower? Healing process and regeneration of cells will become slower. The hole in my gum formed by the ulcers during my radiotherapy still hasn’t grown back. The hyperpigmentation over the area of right neck from the radiotherapy haven’t become lighter. I still feel abdominal discomfort when I ate extra, that’s why I take very little food every meal.

Though I appear to be active and cheerful, it doesn’t mean that I’m as healthy as normal people. I try to live like normal people so that people around me won’t worry so much about me. I laugh along with friends, I go shopping with my sister and I still attend classes but I will wear out easily. Sometimes I wish that you would understand. If I could be a normal healthy person like you, I’ll be running around doing something beneficial. I want to volunteer to help out children and cancer patients in the hospital because there I could give comfort to others and receive their love.

The tougher a friend appear to be, the more fragile they are. This is because we want our friends and family smile for us, not frown. A good and caring friend would understand these and will not question us.

God gave us eyes for a purpose, for us to notice friends who need help. Our ear to listen for those who seek for help. Our mouth to ask “How are you feeling now?”, “Do you need help?”

So will you be a considerate friend for today?