In medicine world, the doctors know that there are certain diseases that are incurable, the only thing that they can do is to relieve the symptoms and try to prolong the patient’s life. However, because I knew what procedure that they will usually do, I think the procedure to relieve the symptoms often bring more pain and suffering to the patient. To be operated again and again, to depend on a feeding tube to eat, to depend on a tube to defecate… I think this will only torture the patient though it might prolong his life a little longer.

Let’s say you have stage 4 of any kind of cancer with spreading to other organs and the is no cure for it, the only thing you can do is keep on removing organs that contained the cancer cells to prevent it from further spreading so that you could live a little bit longer. If it is the stomach, they will remove the stomach. If it is the esophagus, they will remove it. If it is the liver they will remove it. No one could ever live without a stomach, how could you digest food without a stomach? Or to live without a liver or kidneys.

I wonder if one day when I have to deal with such patient, should I tell him the truth about his illness or should I persuade him to undergo all this painful operation and give him some false hope? In Russia, we were taught to hide the truth from the patient and be very careful not to mention the word cancer in front of patient. I find that it is very cruel and it makes you feel so hopeless sometimes. Almost every patient that came into the oncology department never knew about the truth of the severity of their cancer and they often never make it alive to be discharge from the hospital. 9/10 of the patients given to us often ended up dead in the operating theater.

If you have terminal stage of cancer and cannot be save anyhow, do you wish to know your diagnosis from your doctor? Do you want to be receive the palliative treatment?

If it was me, I think I want to know the truth from my doctor. I will not accept any surgery or any palliative treatment and spend all the last days of my life completing things that are undone. Life, it doesn’t matter long or short as long as we live a meaningful life. People will die sooner or later, I want to die smiling with no regrets.

I feel sad for my patients here. They knew nothing about their condition and before they have a chance to complete the last thing that they wanted to do like having a proper dinner with whole family or giving their grandchild a name, death took them away.

But there are some people choose to not to know and continue to live happily like normal until death take them away. Sometimes the lesser thing you know, the lesser thing to worry and the happier you will live.

I love strawberries a lot. Strawberry is not only an excellent source of vitamin C and flavonoids, it also hold something significant for me. During my cancer treatment, Ken and Kokfye brought me a lot of strawberries. They made my day with a smile. The weather is getting warmer here in Kursk, and the strawberries are on sale now everywhere. I bought myself 1kg to munch while studying for exam.

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Tomorrow will be my final exam for internal medicine. Aza aza fighting!~
After my exam finished, I will post about diet for cancer patient. I wanted post this up long time ago but not sure where to start and usually other patient will add me in msn and I’ll teach them. 5xmom’s relative is sick now and he needs a proper diet throughout his radiotherapy. A good diet could help relieve discomfort and reduce the intensity of the side effect from radiotherapy and chemotherapy.

How many times did you thank someone that helped you today?

How many of you actually still remember your form teacher name back in high school?

How many of you stayed when your friend was troubled, sick or heartbroken?

It is very simple to love someone. Just tell that person that you care for him/her and show how much you appreciate their presence in your life. Sometimes a few words meant more than any praises and compliments. Sometimes a card with a simple message written on it meant more than a priceless diamond.

When I was sick, my brother made me a turtle. Cute little Misha dropped by to wish me almost everyday. Yung they all never fail to crack me some jokes. This is something priceless, nothing can be exchange for this because it came from their heart. I want to tell people that had been there for me all the time, Thank You! and I appreciate it a lot.

D40 is useful. Burberry is nice. But things that I like the most from Ken is his sweet n’ sour pork. Do you know all the good bf can cook the best sweet n’ sour pork? I realised this after observing different couples.

Mother’s Day is coming. What are you giving your mum?

You know the link on top of blogspot where you can randomly search for a blog? About 2 years ago, I stumble upon a blog of a 16 year old singaporean girl who has leukemia. I followed her blog for a few months from the time she was still active and smiling till the time when her condition worsen. Day by day she became weaker. Later, her sister help update the blog for her while she spent most of the time lying on the hospital bed.

Each time when I read her blog, I feel so sad and at the same time I wish for miracle to happen. I wish that God will let her live. Her friends and relatives were very supportive. They made her cards and banners wishing for her quick recovery. Then one day, there is no longer an update anymore. I think it was somewhere around May 2006 that she passed away. She was so young. 16 years old is too young for her to die. She have yet experience life, achieve her ambition, go dating, study in university. Life is so unfair sometimes.

I feel a bit pain lately. Pain on the right occipital region and at the angle of mandible where the tumor was removed. I’m not sure whether I feel pain because I was just too tired and stressed studying for exam or because the cancer came back. I had a small chat with my surgery teacher the other day. My teacher was very anxious about why am I here in Russia. I should stay close to my oncologist at home.

Supposedly, in all kinds of cancer, radical surgery should be perform to remove all the cancer cells. If present spreading/metastasis to adjacent tissue, lymph nodes and organs, it should be resected as well. But my lymph nodes were not removed. Because Dr.Foo say I might lose my hearing on right side and my facial nerve might be injured if they perform another surgery on me. So she prescribed me radiotherapy to kill those cancerous cells. In case the radiotherapy not working and there are some remnant of cancerous cells, maybe it will come back again.

What if….. the cancer came back?
Maybe I’m too paranoid and worry too much but I don’t want to die yet. I love everything in my life now. I had a new life, I made new friends, I have a new vision in life. There are still plenty to do. I have yet collected enough from nuffnang to sponsor my kid from WorldVision and go to Rome with Ken. I have planned where to go for my postgraduate studies, my future wedding, my future daugther’s name. What if… suddenly all this things will be taken away from me and I will die?

I wonder who will help me update my blog? My sister or Yvonne.
I wonder who will bring me white roses for my funeral.
I wonder……
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If I die one day, will you cry for me?

Will you still remember me?

*I have psychiatry exam later in the afternoon. And I’m feeling headache along with a pricking pain in my right parotid gland region now. Probably I am just too tired and stress. I wish I could lie down and have a good sleep right now but at the same time I’m afraid that once I go into sleep, maybe I will never be able to wake up again.

Thanks to your thoughtful post kokfye but I’m not trying to flame you. Don’t perasan. I’m just trying to remind you not to look at people superficially instead try to look at the beautiful side of them. Charm is deceptive, you know.

Everyone love beautiful things, beautiful women. Guys always drool over cute pretty girls with big boobs, sexy long legs in miniskirt and silky long hair. It has always been like this for generations I guess. At least for those guys (dat include kokfye) I know since high school, they had always been like that. Some guys and girls would always go for the external appearance first when making friends, looking for partner, hiring employee.

But if everyone is going for the so perfect beautiful people, have you ever consider about those who are born to be not so beautiful? It’s not like they are ugly, but they are just less outstanding when being compared with those who are more appealing and attractive. If other people tell you that you are ugly and they don’t prefer to make friends/date you/hire you/etc…. how would you feel? HURT.

When you are doing this to other people, don’t you think you will hurt their feelings as well? Sometimes the word “ugly”, even though you did not say directly to someone face, but it will still hurt that person. Do you understand that hurtful feeling? Because I know how it feels.

When I was in high school, my male friends would criticize me that I’m ugly or give me the equal meaning of ugly. Few years passed, the estrogen and the cold in Russia made my skin fairer, made my boobs bigger. Unconsciously, my ex-schoolmates forgotten how they used to tease me and started to tell me that I’m beautiful, I look gorgeous and so. This is what I call superficial. People make friends, try to stick around you, try to suck up to you when you are good looking.

You might think I’m very mean and I do pick my friends, the beautiful ones from inside out. I don’t judge people from the way they look because I think everyone is born beautiful and unique in their own way. Some might have big eyes, some might have small eyes. But the most important thing that made them beautiful doesn’t come from how they look but it comes from the heart. Ugly people are those that made themselves ugly, those that being unkind and mistreat others.

When I was hospitalized, I don’t look good at all. After my surgery and plus the effects of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, I would say I looked ugly and scary. But none of my friends left me and it was also during this ugliest looking time that Ken fell in love with me.

What I want to say is outer beauty will not last forever. People will look beautiful sometimes and ugly sometimes. But the inner beauty will always stays and it will last forever. And it is because of the inner beauty that you have, that’s why I love you so much. (Belle, Yvonne, Yung, Kailoon, Allysa, Fiona, curryegg, Jian, Hao and everyone!)

When you want somebody to like or love you sincerely, don’t just look at the shell. Look what is inside. Because the most beautiful thing usually are hidden inside and you need to find it yourself. When you found it, you have actually gotten yourself a priceless treasure.- True love, True friends. There is nothing more beautiful than these in this world.