Since I am recovering, I should blog more hor? Anyway, dunno why am I so tired today lol. Slept more than 12hours+, woke up at 2pm today. =P So damn tired… I wonder why. Need to send my body to mechanics to fix fix a bit lol.

Meanwhile, I find that I get visitors from as far as Canada… and sometimes even Finland! So I wonder should I write my post in proper english or just go on with our proud bahasa Malaysia.

And… hmmm i got myself a new camera! Nikon SLR D40! Yay, yay, yuinyin got a SLR =P. A lot of people tell me very “chor teng” la to carry such a big camera around. Yea, i did thought about that factor also. But after few days of deep deep serious consideration, I want beautiful pictures. I love photography but I never had a chance to get near this field bcos of my stubborn father. Haih. Classical parents - always want their kids to be lawyer, doctor, accountant, engineer… but hey nowadays these profession have the lowest earnings in the world leh. Oh well, that’s not the point.

I like capturing things that are meaningful to me. Not just taking human photos making (^_^)V peace sign. Not just camwhoring in the toilet (I realised everyone does this, why ah? Toilet smells nice is it? My bf’s brother love camwhoring in the toilet… probably that’s the last place on earth anyone would catch him fatt-hao-ing camwhoring there kua… -_-”). I want to keep pictures that share sweet memories with people, things that are meaningful to us. Whether it’s a cup of cappucino, our favourite restaurant and that specific table in the corner, your favourite food or things that makes us smile… I also want to keep it. In case one day, one of us missing in this world, I will not regret because at least we had left behind memories to people we loved.

The pictures, this is the proof of me living…

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Psssttt…. I will do some touch up for my blog, so who want to link to me? Leave me a comment.

In those our childhood all-time favourtie classical fairy tales produced by Disney… Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty… though at first they lived a very difficult life but in the end, the prince will come to seek for them and they live happily ever after.

I read my ex-primary classmate blog yesterday. She too had ovarian cancer few years back in 2003. I can feel the same uncertainty that she felt all these years. I understand why she’s so kan cheong about her love life.

Cancer had made a big changes in our life. Though we recovered, more or less we somehow can never be the same person anymore. Other things that use to be very important; luxurious life, ambition, money etc become meaningless to us. We yearn for simplier things like love, comfort, security. Family, love, friends, children, siblings are the only thing we treasure. (That’s why u know why am I so desperate to get married now?)

I feel envious sometimes with other older patients. Most of them are happily married with few children. They get so much so support from their husband/wife and their children during the times when they have to go through cancer. I saw every bedside, there the husband/wife will be, sitting there holding their spouse’s hand making sure she/he is safe in their hand. I too desire for a husband for me to hold on to when I feel tired.

If we are still single, unmarried… it’s just so difficult. Guys there are always more fortunate than girls because girls are more soft-hearted and emotional. When the guy have cancer, most of the time the girl will choose to stay with him unless his gf is a total b*tch la. For girls, most of the time we’ll get dumped by our bf when they find out we have cancer. Not to say what, but I seriously think that guys they are much more selfish than girls. Like Edrei said, cancer can be inherited. But how true is this theory I wonder? Because of this theory, guys will think a zillion times twice before loving you. Because they worry that their future offspring will get cancer too.

None of my family member, relatives have medical history of cancer. I’m the first and the only one. Can I blame my parents for this? My parents did not give me cancer, they gave me only the best of everything. The other boy who have nose cancer also doesn’t have family history of cancer, so do the other auntie from sabah and that uncle from kepong. We did not ask for it and cancer just choose any victim they like.

In this world that we are living now, do you think normal healthy person can’t get cancer meh? Polluted air that we breath (idiots smoking in mamak stall dat we lepak, our stupid neighbour who must do open forest burning every few months and give us jerebu everywhere), fastfood that are convenient for us (McD, KFC, Burger King, etc), lifestyle ( boss never increase salary but make us work like mad, OT everyday no time to exercise and sleep well, living standard keep rising and fuel price increase again… STRESS!!!~~), emotional factors (depression, the thought of commiting suicide, etc etc).

Though a lot of times, cancer make us tougher and stronger in some way but sometimes it leaves us uncertainty in another part of life. Can we or will we be able to write the ending of our story with… “and they lived happily ever after”? Why can’t give us a chance? Because of the things we went through, we’ll definitely be a better wife and mother because we once almost lose our life and the most important things in our life.

…I want to live happily ever after…

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P/S: oops… sorry Edrei and xiaoyun, i accidentally ter-delete your comments while moderating. Mind writing it again? I read already though, dun worry. =_=… sigh somebody or anybody can teach me how to use that anti-spam programme? I am a total comp idiot…. goodness have accidentally deleted 4 comments from edrei, xiaoyun, pookyma, winshoo. SORRIE~

18th August, few minutes past midnight, someone gave me a suprise.

“Happy 1 month anniversary”

Then the blur ngong ngong me was like “harh? meh si (what happen)?”

He says today is 18th la dear!

Me: “Haimeh? harh I thot It was still around 13th aug”.
My gawd… I have been sleeping too much lately that I have lost in the track of time. But anyway, I got this from him…..

A bouquet of little bears and flowers and hearts…..

Ain’t it cute? I just love bears!

The happy sick girl with her gift of love….

Oh and also my favourite Ferrero Roche!

My Ferrero Roche went missing this morning. My sister and mum went looking all over the house but couldn’t find it. Then we thought maybe got ghost stole it. Hahaha but in the end we caught that ghost! My brother seludup the chocolate into his music class bag. But the initial eerie thought about ghost in the house is really… hmmm… spooky~

And I know a lot of people want to know…. and in case you don’t know…. YES! I’M IN LOVE!
Lol… It’s like discovering a treasure in the midst of suffering. I will post about “him” later cos unconsciously I slowly fall in love with him.

I suddenly thought of writing this after reading Yvonne’s post yesterday. There are some silly people from Kursk telling me that they envy me la. Because I got cancer, I extend my summer holiday from 2 months to 4 months. Because I have cancer, I will have special permission from the uni to go home during winter holiday. Because I have cancer, my life seems to be very happy right now. And they told me “I wish I have cancer too”. Be careful with what you wish for.

Please don’t think that having cancer is so fun. Though before this I suspected there’s something wrong with my health, but I never wish that it would be cancer. All the things I’m experiencing now, I’m trying my best to endure it. Cancer is suffering no matter physically, mentally or socially.

Though I have 4 months of holiday but I can’t enjoy it. I straight away go to SJMC for medical check up 3 days right after I landed in KLIA. And since then, I’ve been going in and out Subang Jaya Medical Center and it became my second home. Everyday I feel so tired that I’m sleeping at home all the time for 15 hours+ per day. I spent 2-3 hours in SJMC daily except sat and sun. On wednesday, during my chemotherapy, I woke up at 7am, go to SJMC at 8.30am and spend few hours there till around 2pm. Half day will be spent in hospital, when reach home, after taking medicine, I will fall asleep because side effects of painkillers are drowsiness and sleeping. The remaining time I can only sit at home, the only thing I can do is go on9 and blog. If without this blog, my daily life would be boring. Because I’m that kind of active person who like to go kai kai everyday. I like to look at the trees, look at the busy people working, look at children playing in the playground…. I love to look at life because I enjoy life.

But because during my treatment, my immune system is severely weaken. I can get infection very easily. I can’t go to mamak stall lepak with my friends at night because there are idiots sitting on the next table smoking there puffing smoke to your face directly. I can’t go out shopping because of the crowd. I can get all kinds of disease from the crowd. I can’t do french kissing because the harmless microflora of the mouth can even give me pneumonia. I miss my friends a lot but everytime when they ask me to go out, I have to reject because I can’t go out to the crowd. Sorry……

So you think I’m living a happy life eh? The unbearable pain that I’m experiencing, I can’t do anything to make it go away except to endure it and try to forget it. There are times when I couldn’t bear the pain any longer that I broke down in tears. Even when I cry, I will cry softly to myself because I don’t want anybody to worry about me. I know my friends will feel sad when they see how suffering I am, so I rather not show them the painful look. See, Yvonne cried when I told her my biopsy result is cancer. I want to see my friends smiling for me because seeing smiles on my friends’ face give me courage to go through this. There are many reasons for living and I chose to live for the people who loves me. I will become stronger each day to protect these people.

So you wanna get cancer eh?
- the boy next to my bed during chemotherapy has nose cancer. None of the family member have cancer. He’s the first. So how it happened? According to him, during the 3 yrs in the college, he had to stay in hostel. Far away from mummy’s cooking, the fast and easiest way to settle your lunch and dinner is McD la. Everyday also eat McD. Then one day nosebleed non-stop and CT scan show nose cancer.
- smoke 5 packs a day beginning from now. Within 2 years you also can get nose cancer de. Mentioned in the previous post.
Nose cancer is better for u guys la since treatment is shorter. Breast cancer and ovarian cancer treatment take 9 months leh!

The song “san gatsu ka” from 1 litre of tears is my favourite. I memorise the lyrics and can sing it also but too bad redbox dun have. Read the lyrics translation, it’s very meaningful. Those students in Kursk always think I’m very fake because I like to do charity. Even if people ask me what do I want to do in future, I would tell them I want to build an orphanage and people thinks that yuinyin is crazy and someone should catch her and send her to Tanjung rambutan! But that’s me, I love life that’s why I chose medicine as my profession because I want to protect lives.

I want to give life a second chance to live. That’s the motto in life I have.

Just because I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t club. I don’t seduce guys, I don’t cheat in exams, I don’t twist and turn stories to hurt other people’s feelings, I don’t want to be neutral(HYPOCRITE)…. they think that I am weird etc etc. Though people always say if you can’t beat them, join them. But you know all those things mentioned above are not good at all… think again, will you join them? Even if you give me 1 million dollar, I also don’t want to live a meaningless life like that.

Ooops… I sway away from the topic. Anyway, here’s the lyrics for 3gatsuka9. I hope you’ll understand the meaning like how me and Yvonne see it. Probably because we both are going through things that other people don’t understand, we see things in a much more different way. Enjoy singing the song! Probably can have a blogger gathering and we’ll sing together =P.

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“How are you?”

When people ask me this question, I really dunno how to answer anymore. To tell them that I’m fine, I feel like lying to myself. To tell them that not good, I might make them worrysick about me. The truth is I feel awful right now. Suddenly I feel very tired of everything and just wish that the things I’m feeling right now will be gone when I wake up tomorrow morning.

My mouth feel very painful. Everytime I sneeze, cough or yawn, I feel very painful from the tip of my tongue till my throat. I try so hard not to choke myself to prevent from coughing. With each cough and sneeze, I feel that my tongue gonna be detach from my oral cavity soon. My gums are all swollen and inflamed now. This make brushing teeth a very difficult task. I feel extreme pain when the toothbrush touches my gum. I have to spend around 30 mins flossing my teeth and cleaning them with cotton bud. My painful gums keep giving me this silly idea that I will have tooth decay and lose all my teeth before I manage to finish my treatment. Seriously I feel kinda scared to lose all my teeth before 22 years old even.

I have been a lazy talker lately. The ulcer inside on the right wall of my oral cavity makes me feel pain everytime I try to open my mouth. So I just nod and shake my head when talking to people. And because my tongue also feel pain, I couldn’t pronounce my words properly. It’s tiring to repeat so many times but still couldn’t get the pronounciation right. So I rather not talk at all.

My taste buds are losing their function completely. The sensitivity to certain taste has gone. Everything I eat is completely tasteless. I couldn’t taste the sweetness of a mangosteen. Those food that I still can taste last week, become tasteless to me this week. Though I know it will be only for temporary, but for a foodlover, it’s very torturing for me to unable to taste the food I like. Right now I miss Hokkien mee a lot. Takoyaki. Penang asam laksa. Tempura. Tiramisu. I can’t wait to get back my taste buds *sob. To people who go out makan with me, sorry dear, I really couldn’t taste anything. So doesn’t matter what food you gonna order. I hope you understand.

I noticed I’m losing a lot of hair these 2 days. I can feel my hair thinning as well. Suddenly I have this thought to shave all my hair. But then for sure I won’t do it because I’m very vain. I will just look eeerrrrrrhhh…. UGLY if I’m bald. I think I should start looking at hairstyle magazine for a new look.

My surgical scar become even more red. And the skin is so dry that it hurts. I tried putting baby oil and vitamin E cream but it’s not working effectively. And because it’s on the neck, every slight movement which involve the neck, I will feel pain. That’s why I remain sleeping on one posture because everytime I turn, I will stretch the skin of my neck and I will feel pain.

People say cancer is not painful. The most suffering part is enduring the side effects of the treatment. I still have another 2 weeks+ to go. Though sometimes for no reason, I feel like want to cry, I would always think about other patients. Everyone is striving very hard to live. This pain though unbearable, it will only be here for a while. Once I overcome this, life will be better.