I know lately people very sien hearing from me because I keep on say wanna get married and become a housewife. And surely everyone think that I am crazy and it’s very wasted if I stop practicing medicine. But then if you know what I went through, perhaps your perception in life might change as well. My intention to help people did not change, but maybe I just do it in a different way. I can become full time volunteer working for NGOs or in case I get to marry one of the richest man in Malaysia, then I can start a YuinYin foundation or build an orphanage to protect the children. The love never stops, perhaps changes it’s way of expression only mah.

The reason why I’m so desperate to get married:

Getting married is not a bad thing afterall right? Why other people can choose to live a happy simple live and can’t I choose the same option? But….. ever since my medical report came out with cancer, marriage and the “live happily ever after” ending became a fat-fetched dream for me because his family and relatives will discriminate me. Everyone will look at me with a very strange look and I can only respond with “WTF???”

However….. seriously, nowadays all the good guys are dead/extinct or already taken. Perhaps I should just go to the sperm bank and get a test tube baby impregnated in me and become a single mum?

Yes, dear people I finally, tiredly arrived safely in Kursk. And this time I noticed a lot of BIG changes here. Firstly, the airport, Domodedovo airport (ehehe super long hard to pronounce name?… i know i know) becomes more organised, nicer, bigger, brighter! And crossing the immigration counter become easier. (Do you know last time, they like to pick on a victim, tahan you there for no reason just because the immigration officer tries to suck money from you? I kena once and then I slipped in 20euro note in my passport and pass to him, then he straight away stamped my passport and let me go. Damn suey ler if you become the unfortunate victim. *Remember to bring some small change with you when you come russia, u won’t want to bribe them with 100euro don’t you?)

Oh, and then there’s one BIG MIRACLEodd thing happened this afternoon. When I was crossing the road with valeriebear, the car slow down and the driver signal us to cross the road! Amazing! Even the russians turned gentle now.. or maybe because I too lenglui dat I stopped traffic akaka (syiok sendiri, ignore me =P).You know what happened ALWAYS last time? The further you cross the road, the faster the car speed!!! And therefore we are now trained in “chicken running” style of crossing the road –> this is survival skill no.64 very efficient, fast and accident free way of road crossing and subsequently we become a better marathon runner =D. Thumbs up!

I haven’t start my classes yet. My vice dean will re-arrange my schedule for me. So until next monday, I’ll will be too free and do nothing yet except for rearranging my room and cleaning it. Swt =_=’, so tired ah… so much to clean, dust thick until I can write love letter to *K on it. But funny thing is… am I hallucinating and hearing things or they way people in the uni treat me is somehow very very nice? I went to visa department to renew my visa this morning… knowing dat fat ah mu, she always gives us a lot of trouble, make us run forth and back to her before getting our visa settled but wow, she help me gaodim everything very quickly today. I went to the dean office to inform my dean that I’m back to resume my studies… hehe I not only didn’t get scolded but also they are super nice to me. They told me if I’m not feeling well, or when I need help, don’t hesitate to find them. They made me feel like a VIP suddenly.

My theory, there is only one. Here in Kursk which is a much poorer town than Moscow, medical facilities are always inadequate. Patients diagnosed with cancer can never be treated properly, their prognosis for life are never a good one. Even the teacher also will tell you the same thing. So that’s why the russians here will treasure cancer patient more than other people do because most of the cases here, cancer often recur and patient might die anytime.

Did cancer made me more beautiful my life more beautiful or did a fairy godmother just decided to work some magic on those cold russian heart? At first, I feel kinda depressing about coming back here to study but after a while I realise that darkness did not manage to take away all the light afterall. I can still see a few rays of light in the dark. Probably I have changed. A lot of things that seems big become minute. Even when seeing old friends, my feelings when being with them isn’t the same anymore. I feel that I am different from them and I got something important to do in life. Life is not just about sitting and waiting for miracle to come. By sitting there, nothing will come to you. Instead I learn to give, be the one who create miracle for others who was waiting for it. Perhaps one day, I might be able to create a beautiful miracle for myself without have to wait and depend on someone to bring it to me.

*Hehehe, sorry haven’t go out take photos yet and the format of this template haven’t been corrected bcos FoOie is busy cos he just got back from aussie so I replace it with some art =D. Hope you like it, I do love drawing very much like Jian too. Miao~

Would you choose to…..

…. live a short but meaningful life with exciting experiences, full of happiness and suprises…..

or would you want to…..

…..live a long but dull boring life with no excitement, tied to daily routine, work till you die…..

Which one will you choose?
For me, I think I will choose option 1. Life, we can only live once. Doesn’t matter how long I have to live but I want to live a meaningful life, contribute something to the world…. and die SMILING =)!

It’s amazing how I managed to get through this and to be where I am now. Even I myself sometimes find that it’s so hard to believe. It feels like everything just happened yesterday. Everything happened so quickly and suprisingly without going into much deep thinking and consideration, I just somehow agreed to my doctor; “Yes”, “Ok”, “No problem”, “Go ahead”. I felt that someone was controlling over my body during that moment. Whatever result the doctor announced to me, I just nod and take things like it never something too big to affect my life at all. Though there were times when I feel extremely painful, I dropped a few tears and close my eyes, praying silently in my heart hoping that the remaining days will pass very quickly and the pain will disappear along with it.

3 months ago, things seems to be not right at all for me. Everything turn upside down and turn bad out of a sudden. I feel really broken hearted and lost at that time. And perhaps the worst of all, when something bad happened, people that you have trusted and supported over the the years decided to betray and leave you behind. But in the end, I managed to lift up my spirit and pull back myself together, start stepping forward again because I was left with no choice. Hurt, pain, sadness made my cancer cells grew faster. Throughout the 3 months, I was always in enthusiasm bearing a happy smiling face, trying my best to face the hell-like treament.

When all ended, suddenly for unknown reason, I feel some kind of sadness coming back to me again tonight. Perhaps because the wound in the heart hasn’t heal yet or maybe it will never heal. This kind of hurt caused by betrayal feels more painful than the pain caused by side effect of radiotherapy. Maybe I should have listen to what my psychologist told me, cut off all the connection from people who hurt me, then I’ll be able to live a happier life.

I am in a speed recovery now. I have just finished one of the big challenges in life. Life still goes on and another challenge awaits me. Despite all those weird glaring and negative feedback/gossips/rumours I get from people, I think nothing can hold me back from moving forward now. I am one one step closer to my dreams - which majority of people think it’s unrealistic. At least cancer bring me a new experience in life, it gives me a new perspective on life. I learn how to protect people’s feelings from getting hurt by other inconsiderate people. I learn how to comfort and soothes heart pain (sakit hati). I know and understand how it feels to be a bit different from a normal person. The insulting gaze I get from people, the unpleasant words that I heard…. sometimes it really hurts.

No matter what people got to say, cancer have certainly made my life more beautiful and I’m proud of it.

I have started to eat! Hooray! Though in a small portion but I’m glad I could eat again. It has been almost a week I’m on milk based diet, feels so much like a newborn lol. But hey most of the ulcers are gone now, I can open my mouth wide enough to swallow sushi! Haha so happy I get to eat Unagi sushi at Rakuen today. The Unagi was yummy~ Luckily still can taste it. I think I need about 1 month for me to get back my tastebuds to taste again. =( Baskin Robins taste awful in my mouth now, oooooohh can’t wait to taste the sweetness of orange sherbet topped with chocolate again! Went to find Yvonne just now but she seems very tired and exhausted and she was sleeping just now. I wonder when will her struggles with NF will ever end? I hope one day someone could find a solution to correct the genetic error, then NF patient don’t have to suffer so much.

I saw this news from theStar online today and thought of sharing some of my silly thoughts here.

When you hear people say Bahasa Malaysia, what kind of language do you think it is? Bahasa Malaysia = Bahasa Melayu? Lol, basically is correct la but then hor I would think Bahasa Malaysia more “pasar” and bahasa melayu more “formal” cos we use in school ma, cakap salah, spelling salah, teacher will tolak markah from peperiksaan! You see bahasa MALAYSIA , so I guess it should represent all the races in Malaysia hor?

So to me, I think this is the bahasa malaysia that we speak daily:
“Oi budak, hungry mah? Come let’s go mamak tabao some roti canai and teh tarik bring home and jiak(eat in hokkien). Dun wan ah? Then mar lepak lepak sikit lor at mamak there, sun bian can watch football also. Wei tonite arsenal lawan MU ler. Come, come, come cepat liao, later mou wai cho(no place to sit in cantonese).”

Yea, I do speak like this to my indian and malay friends as well and we understand each other very well suprisingly though our mother language is different. Lol.

For bahasa melayu version hor should be like this:
“Oi budak, sudah lapar ke? Jom pergi mamak sana beli roti canai dan teh tarik bawa balik rumah makan. Tak mahu kah? Kita lepak di mamak sana sambil menonton pertandingan bola sepak. Malam ini, arsenal lawan MU la. Mari, mari, mari cepat, nanti tak ada tempat duduk”.

*notice: adik-adik dun follow jie jie please. I already 5 yrs tinggal di Russia, so BM punya standard memang tak boleh trust punya. So dun ikut my BM format for your SPM yea!
(Though I did get an A for my BM in SPM 2002 lol. Kena marah by my principal summore cos my year hor, a lot of people get C for BM. Then my principal say “wahlau kamu nak pergi belajar kat oversea, apasal dapat A dalam BM? orang lain yang nak masuk local U pulak tak dapat A!” That time I really damn jah dou lor… aiks the A people give want ma, not like I ask for it also ceh!)

Probably it’s just us, the malaysian style of expressing our words. Even after we learn a new language, study in a foreign country, we will still tend to mix all our languages together. Do you know nowadays got a lot of medical students in Russia? I think got 2000+ eh and the number is rising. So the amount of malaysian who can speak Russian also increased. And then I realise we are all the same, mix our russian into our existing bahasa malaysia. See, example of our daily conversation:

“Hey have you done your marketing yet? Come la teman me go rinok (market in Russian) buy some vege and roti. Tonite we make French toast for siew ye(supper in cantonese).”

Lol, and funny thing is that even our teacher (Russians) slowly adapted to our new mixture of malaysian rojak language.

Student: Madam, when can we get back our zachut(credit in Russian) book from you? We need it for the exam next week.
Teacher: hmm, come and get the zachut book “zaf-tra utrom”(tomorrow morning).

Student: Sir, I’m having sore throat and it’s very uncomfortable. Do you have any method to relieve the discomfort?
Teacher: Go home, make “chai se limon-nom” (lemon with tea) and drink few cups a day. Good for your throat. And drink more water and “sok” (juice in russian).
Student: Ok, “spa-si-ba”(thank you) sir!

*Nah dun say I never teach you Russian oh! I’m teaching you guys a few words liao. Ngek Ngek Ngek. Spa-si-ba~

Even sometimes when I come back here during summer holiday hor, I always ter-add Russian words when speaking to local people. Like,

Go mamak stall order drinks hor, I just cannot recall the term “teh o’ limau ais” la and then I will tell dat mamak fella “chai se limon-nom”. lol

When go pay at cashier that time hor, if the person ask me:
Cashier: Do you have our member card, miss?
Me: Net (No in Russian)
Cashier: O.o”????? Errrhh so are you paying using credit card?
Me: Da (Yes in Russian)
Cashier: wtf???? Thank you, miss. Please come again. (in her heart must be thinking why is this customer so weird wan, come from myanmar wan issit?)
Me: Harasho. Bes problema. (Good/ok. No problem.)
Me —> blur blur just walk out of the store. Then after a few minutes, only realise I just spoke russian to that girl lol.

I think it’s just us being Malaysian. Because we live in Malaysia, since young we were trained to learn so many languages. For this point, I’m really proud to be a Malaysian.

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