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I suddenly thought of writing this after reading Yvonne’s post yesterday. There are some silly people from Kursk telling me that they envy me la. Because I got cancer, I extend my summer holiday from 2 months to 4 months. Because I have cancer, I will have special permission from the uni to go home during winter holiday. Because I have cancer, my life seems to be very happy right now. And they told me “I wish I have cancer too”. Be careful with what you wish for.

Please don’t think that having cancer is so fun. Though before this I suspected there’s something wrong with my health, but I never wish that it would be cancer. All the things I’m experiencing now, I’m trying my best to endure it. Cancer is suffering no matter physically, mentally or socially.

Though I have 4 months of holiday but I can’t enjoy it. I straight away go to SJMC for medical check up 3 days right after I landed in KLIA. And since then, I’ve been going in and out Subang Jaya Medical Center and it became my second home. Everyday I feel so tired that I’m sleeping at home all the time for 15 hours+ per day. I spent 2-3 hours in SJMC daily except sat and sun. On wednesday, during my chemotherapy, I woke up at 7am, go to SJMC at 8.30am and spend few hours there till around 2pm. Half day will be spent in hospital, when reach home, after taking medicine, I will fall asleep because side effects of painkillers are drowsiness and sleeping. The remaining time I can only sit at home, the only thing I can do is go on9 and blog. If without this blog, my daily life would be boring. Because I’m that kind of active person who like to go kai kai everyday. I like to look at the trees, look at the busy people working, look at children playing in the playground…. I love to look at life because I enjoy life.

But because during my treatment, my immune system is severely weaken. I can get infection very easily. I can’t go to mamak stall lepak with my friends at night because there are idiots sitting on the next table smoking there puffing smoke to your face directly. I can’t go out shopping because of the crowd. I can get all kinds of disease from the crowd. I can’t do french kissing because the harmless microflora of the mouth can even give me pneumonia. I miss my friends a lot but everytime when they ask me to go out, I have to reject because I can’t go out to the crowd. Sorry……

So you think I’m living a happy life eh? The unbearable pain that I’m experiencing, I can’t do anything to make it go away except to endure it and try to forget it. There are times when I couldn’t bear the pain any longer that I broke down in tears. Even when I cry, I will cry softly to myself because I don’t want anybody to worry about me. I know my friends will feel sad when they see how suffering I am, so I rather not show them the painful look. See, Yvonne cried when I told her my biopsy result is cancer. I want to see my friends smiling for me because seeing smiles on my friends’ face give me courage to go through this. There are many reasons for living and I chose to live for the people who loves me. I will become stronger each day to protect these people.

So you wanna get cancer eh?
- the boy next to my bed during chemotherapy has nose cancer. None of the family member have cancer. He’s the first. So how it happened? According to him, during the 3 yrs in the college, he had to stay in hostel. Far away from mummy’s cooking, the fast and easiest way to settle your lunch and dinner is McD la. Everyday also eat McD. Then one day nosebleed non-stop and CT scan show nose cancer.
- smoke 5 packs a day beginning from now. Within 2 years you also can get nose cancer de. Mentioned in the previous post.
Nose cancer is better for u guys la since treatment is shorter. Breast cancer and ovarian cancer treatment take 9 months leh!

The song “san gatsu ka” from 1 litre of tears is my favourite. I memorise the lyrics and can sing it also but too bad redbox dun have. Read the lyrics translation, it’s very meaningful. Those students in Kursk always think I’m very fake because I like to do charity. Even if people ask me what do I want to do in future, I would tell them I want to build an orphanage and people thinks that yuinyin is crazy and someone should catch her and send her to Tanjung rambutan! But that’s me, I love life that’s why I chose medicine as my profession because I want to protect lives.

I want to give life a second chance to live. That’s the motto in life I have.

Just because I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t club. I don’t seduce guys, I don’t cheat in exams, I don’t twist and turn stories to hurt other people’s feelings, I don’t want to be neutral(HYPOCRITE)…. they think that I am weird etc etc. Though people always say if you can’t beat them, join them. But you know all those things mentioned above are not good at all… think again, will you join them? Even if you give me 1 million dollar, I also don’t want to live a meaningless life like that.

Ooops… I sway away from the topic. Anyway, here’s the lyrics for 3gatsuka9. I hope you’ll understand the meaning like how me and Yvonne see it. Probably because we both are going through things that other people don’t understand, we see things in a much more different way. Enjoy singing the song! Probably can have a blogger gathering and we’ll sing together =P.

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Hello thursday!
I’m feeling better today. Pain from my surgical wound have reduced after washing my wound and apply hydrocortisone cream on it. I couldn’t smell the foul odour cause by those Staphyloccoci or Streptococci infection (dunno which ler cos din do culture swab). At least I know the infection is under control by antibiotic (amoxicillin - ehehe, the most widely use broad spectrum penicillin… came out in my exam =P).

The pain in my mouth, as long as I don’t move it (as in talking, chewing, yawning, moaning…. etc) I won’t feel pain. So I shall remain as a mute girl for a while. Lol I would prefer to get smses or msn me rather than a phone call. Because talking hurts!~ =P

Today seems to be a nice day. Feel like going for a walk in the park. Yesterday was raining heavily. And due to my infected wound, hehe I escaped from chemotherapy. Dr.Foo say let just miss one or else your infection will get worse. Tee-hee so happy! Miss another time of suffering. But lately I keep vomiting uncontrollably. Feel so scared to go out with friends because I might vomit on them! Oh yea… yesterday when I weighed myself, I lost another 400g due to the vomiting.

When I look in the mirror, I realise how thin my leg have become. No more baby fat on my arms. Can even see the protrusion of bones on my shoulder. Hehehe my sister like to call me fat last time. Now since I become so much thinner, probably I shall go get the same haircut like hers. Then we would look exactly like twins! Haha if she calls me fat, then she would be fat too. =P Oh, when people saw my sister when lepaking in shopping mall, they always think they “kua-tiu-gui” (see ghost) because first they saw her, then they see me. So they are like wondering how come got 2 yuin yin appearing in front of them???

Haha even my father now couldn’t differentiate who is who. But the question is, do we really look that alike meh? I think we look very different lor. My eyes are rounder a bit, her eyes are very long. But Ken said we both got the same smile. Including my little brother. Lol the Cheng’s family smile (Kokfye’s fav). Where got pics to see? Go look at my profile ler.

Oh yea, and since everyone have MyBlogLog. So I also go get one today. But still not sure how to use it fully tho. So anyone mind to teach me how to make use of it?

Remember when we were 5-6 years old, when we were sick and vomited and all we can do is just stood there and cry for mummy? I’m in this situation today. I was walking to my room, suddenly I vomited uncontrollably and dirtied the whole floor. I feel very helpless at that moment. Besides keep calling for mummy, I really dunno what to do. Another 11 times of radiotherapy and 2 times of chemotherapy to go. For the next 2 weeks, I will be in such terrible condition.

My gums are very swollen and painful. Starting from today, I couldn’t brush my teeth anymore. And I lose more weight. Another 1kg gone. My wound is inflamed and infected. I stay back in the hospital after I finished my radiotherapy to wash my wound.

Mothers, they are just so great aren’t they? Whenever you feel pain, sorrow, mum will always be the one there for you. I want to be a mum too. After this cancer thing, it makes me realise, a girl no matter how still need a family, need a husband to protect and love her. This is where she truly belongs. So what if I will become a rich successful career woman one day? When I go home, I will still feel my life very empty.

I want to get married, be a housewife and have children. Being able to wake up by his side every morning is a blessing to me. Cook a simple american breakfast for my husband and my children then send them off to school. Happiness is just that simple.

Cancer is actually nothing. But the process of overcoming cancer is very suffering. Treasure your health and protect people around you. There was a new patient last week for chemotherapy. A young malay man around 28-29 years old I think. He’s married with a small child. He got nose cancer and the reason he got cancer is he smokes 2 big packs of cigarretes a day since his early teenage years. Value your life people! I dont understand why human are so stubborn. They know smoking, drinking, eat fastfood will cause cancer and yet they still continue doing it. When will people learn to love themselves I wonder?

P/s: Pelf, I got the package today. Thanks! ^^ Nice turtles =). Will take a picture in it later when I’m healthier to camwhore.

5 days I haven’t eaten anything except for a few spoonful of plain porridge every meal just enough to filled in my stomach so that I can take my medicine. I lost about 1 kg. Lol, if this go on for another month until my treatment finish, I gonna weight 42kg only by the end of the treatment! =) faster than Slimming sanctuary! Can sell off my uZap also. Wah so kool, now the baby fat on my arm and face gone liao. Woohoo~ =P Now can save some money on liposuction.

I asked today Dr.Foo how long the pain will last.
She said “until your treatment finish”.
I was like “harh…. means still got 1 more month to go!”.
Dr.Foo: “Yes, that’s why I have to help you stop the pain so that you can continue eating, girl. I have to give you morphine liao. The side effect of morphine is you will feel a bit drowsy drowsy but don’t worry you won’t get addicted.”
Me: =(… *sob *sob… there goes 1 month of my beautiful summer vacation….

Now even drinking 1 sip of water can cause enough pain to make me cry. Can you imagine how many tears I dropped already? Oooh and I think I kinda lose my taste buds temporarily. I couldn’t taste sweet things. Yesterday I ate my mum birthday’s cake and I thought my sister bought such a terrible tasting cake. But today also the same, I ate orange sponge cake and it’s tasteless to me. EEeeewww…. no wonder I dun have appetite to eat also because everything is tasteless to me. I think I just have to stick to porridge for this one whole month.

See… I kena poked twice this morning because my hand is so small, my vein also so small… Pauline the nurse is having hard time to find my vein. When finally manage to insert the cannula, no blood is coming out lol. Cos they need to take some blood sample for full red blood count in case I have anemia or neutropenia. But frankly speaking SJMC got a lot of beautiful and sweet nurses around. I just love them! How I wish i’m a guy so that at least I can pikat and marry them =P.
(P/S: Lucas I think you’ll love to be here. hahaha~)

This is the drug for my chemotherapy. Cool leh. I somehow love that label a lot. I wonder if they have extra. I want to keep it as collection.

My doctor gave me lidocaine to make my tongue, my gum and mucosa numb first so that I can eat anything without pain. But eeeuuuuwwwwkkkk…. the lidocaine taste horrible~ And I have to keep it in my mouth for several minutes till my tongue started to feel numb then swallow it. Suddenly… the will to eat gone~ And there my morphine to kill the pain!

I don’t understand why parents always have to be so stubborn. I ask my mum can I have a bite of daddy’s stir-fry pork please? I already ask nicely and added the word “please” wud. I only ask her for a bite of meat and she start talking to me in loud tone and emo emo… and then cry. Really… can someone tell me what should I do? I’ve been eating those organic food for 2 months long every single meal!!!! I body can sense my red blood count is going low, that’s why I have this desire to eat meat so much, basically I want bloody food!!! (oh why i dun eat beans for my iron blood supply? bcos i hate beans… i hated the way they smell.) Arrrrggghhh why the boy opposite my bed can happily eat nasi lemak and I can’t? The auntie besides me eat hokkien mee leh~ And that apek at bed number 3 eat fried chicken wing! >_<” uuuwwwaaaa I cannot tahan liao lar~~~~~

Right now I got so tired and so sick of organic food. Hearing the word “organic” makes me shiver and trigger my vomiting center in my brain. Suddenly I wish no one ever introduce organic food to the world. Ish……

I smell blood… and I want blood. *lick lick. Why do I suddenly feel like a vampire? <.<”

I become weaker with each radiotherapy and chemotherapy. Today I try to eat “pan mee” to fill in my empty stomach, but I ended up vomiting out later. This is my first vomiting since the treatment started. I met Dinesh at ss19 just now eating “pan mee”. He said i look very “chan” (weary) already. Yea, i know. It’s the side effect from those therapies.

Yesterday evening, I suddenly “collapse”. I’m not sure how to explain this. At first i was feeling drowsy and then the next moment I just dropped on my bed and unable to wake up, unable to move my body no matter how I tried. Then i just let it be and sleep for a while. Very weird feeling, I was very weak, very tired. Probably I’m running out of energy because these few days I didn’t eat much. I wanted to eat but I just couldn’t withstand the pain and then stop eating. If I try to force myself to eat more, I’ll end up vomiting everything out.

It’s just so difficult. I feel hungry and tired and wanted to eat but I just couldn’t bear the pain. Tramadol hydrochloride not effective enough for me as painkiller. I think Dr.Foo have to give me morphine soon and also IV glucose since I couldn’t eat.

Right now the only one that can cheer me up, accompany me to sleep, stay with me…. is my teddy bear. Bear bear 辛苦你了。