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Once in a while in life, when we are tired of walking, we will fall down occasionally. No matter how tough we are. The stronger it is, the more fragile we are inside. During this fall, one might be able to overcome and climb up on her own. Some might fall and will never be able to get up by themselves, that’s why someone needs to be there to support them.

I was once felt very lost, felt that life was meaningless, felt alienated from people and the world. But I was very fortunate to have people that never left me behind struggling alone to break through this difficult period. Because of them, I know that I can’t give up yet, I must continue walking with them.

Today I saw someone in the similar situation I used to be. I stay by her side and follow her step by step from behind, in case she falls back, I would pull her up again.

For those who never care about people around them, they might not understand what we are going through. They think that we are crazy, terrible and irritating but the fact is we couldn’t help ourselves from being like this. Our mind and action seems to be controlled by someone else. We do things that we didn’t want to do, we said words that we never meant it. True friends would always notice something is wrong and try to help us out, superficial friends would think that we are bad and make things even worse for us.

I hope that I’m holding onto my friend sufficiently. I hope that her happy self will come back soon.

Our life in Russia is boring. What we do is eat sleep play study everyday. So once in a while, we will try to find things to entertain ourselves such as organising a concert or attending one. =D Of course, a lazy fella like me will go and attend one as an audience. If ask me to perform, I think I will scared all the audience away. I have just attended this year deepavali concert just few hours ago.

yy_saree.JPG
I love collecting traditional clothes. This is my saree. Thanks to my groupmate from India, Ramya for dressing me up and decorating me with all those jewelries and beautiful make up done by Sandra, they made me look like one real Indian ah moi.

This picture is incomplete. You must be wondering why 4 of us are squatting down. Actually… we are looking at the following picture on the floor.

Nice isn’t it? Indian culture is amazing. So full of colours, full of light and lively.

They invited russians to perform a traditional russian dance. Wow, I’m attracted to their traditional costume. Aha, I shall ask my teacher where to buy one or get a tailor to make it for me here. I must add this russian traditional costume to my collection!

So… why so little pictures geh? Ehehe the fact is I’m a lousy photographer and besides all the bollywood dancing are too fast for me to capture so most of the pictures turned out blur except for my own syiok sendiri photo. So… so…. mah like dat lor. Terpaksa force you to see my perasan photo. =P

Today I did some reading on ENT because I’m feeling bored and I have 5 exams to catch up this semester.
I found something disturbing.

………Tumors of salivary gland origin have a better short term prognosis, but many of these patients die with recurrent tumors many years later……………

No wonder everyone in kursk, they were so worried about me. Bcos, the line above was found in our little ENT book written by professor Konoplya, page 160, line 4-6.

Thinking about it, I will have few more years left to live, I wonder if it’s enough for me to complete things that I wish to do. It is possible for me to be married and have children? I always wanted a daugther of my own but in case I’ll die young, then who will take care of my kids? So the not-so-selfish thought should be I shouldn’t get married and bring life to any kids.

But then again… I refuse to give up my life and a chance to be loved and be happy….
so I do more further reading in different textbooks and I find…..

See…. life is not that hopeless afterall and besides I had the whole deep lobe of parotid gland which the tumor contained in removed totally. And according to oxford oncology handbook, with wide surgical removal, this type of tumor will be cured.

Our life is in our hand. How long you want to live and how happy you want it to be depends on your will. How determined are you to continue to live? I will never let the other 8% of chances of death to take my life away. Because I know I was here for a reason. Yvonne once told me that I was made for the weak. I know I am here to protect the children, to protect people who needs comfort.

Well, enough of this sappy mood. I’m going out shopping for my backpack. Tata~

It’s amazing how I managed to get through this and to be where I am now. Even I myself sometimes find that it’s so hard to believe. It feels like everything just happened yesterday. Everything happened so quickly and suprisingly without going into much deep thinking and consideration, I just somehow agreed to my doctor; “Yes”, “Ok”, “No problem”, “Go ahead”. I felt that someone was controlling over my body during that moment. Whatever result the doctor announced to me, I just nod and take things like it never something too big to affect my life at all. Though there were times when I feel extremely painful, I dropped a few tears and close my eyes, praying silently in my heart hoping that the remaining days will pass very quickly and the pain will disappear along with it.

3 months ago, things seems to be not right at all for me. Everything turn upside down and turn bad out of a sudden. I feel really broken hearted and lost at that time. And perhaps the worst of all, when something bad happened, people that you have trusted and supported over the the years decided to betray and leave you behind. But in the end, I managed to lift up my spirit and pull back myself together, start stepping forward again because I was left with no choice. Hurt, pain, sadness made my cancer cells grew faster. Throughout the 3 months, I was always in enthusiasm bearing a happy smiling face, trying my best to face the hell-like treament.

When all ended, suddenly for unknown reason, I feel some kind of sadness coming back to me again tonight. Perhaps because the wound in the heart hasn’t heal yet or maybe it will never heal. This kind of hurt caused by betrayal feels more painful than the pain caused by side effect of radiotherapy. Maybe I should have listen to what my psychologist told me, cut off all the connection from people who hurt me, then I’ll be able to live a happier life.

I am in a speed recovery now. I have just finished one of the big challenges in life. Life still goes on and another challenge awaits me. Despite all those weird glaring and negative feedback/gossips/rumours I get from people, I think nothing can hold me back from moving forward now. I am one one step closer to my dreams - which majority of people think it’s unrealistic. At least cancer bring me a new experience in life, it gives me a new perspective on life. I learn how to protect people’s feelings from getting hurt by other inconsiderate people. I learn how to comfort and soothes heart pain (sakit hati). I know and understand how it feels to be a bit different from a normal person. The insulting gaze I get from people, the unpleasant words that I heard…. sometimes it really hurts.

No matter what people got to say, cancer have certainly made my life more beautiful and I’m proud of it.

I have started to eat! Hooray! Though in a small portion but I’m glad I could eat again. It has been almost a week I’m on milk based diet, feels so much like a newborn lol. But hey most of the ulcers are gone now, I can open my mouth wide enough to swallow sushi! Haha so happy I get to eat Unagi sushi at Rakuen today. The Unagi was yummy~ Luckily still can taste it. I think I need about 1 month for me to get back my tastebuds to taste again. =( Baskin Robins taste awful in my mouth now, oooooohh can’t wait to taste the sweetness of orange sherbet topped with chocolate again! Went to find Yvonne just now but she seems very tired and exhausted and she was sleeping just now. I wonder when will her struggles with NF will ever end? I hope one day someone could find a solution to correct the genetic error, then NF patient don’t have to suffer so much.

In August, there was this Idol-Look-Alike contest organised by Samsung Fun Club. Hehe because don’t know when is the competition real date mah, so try try also no harm in case I got selected and the real contest begin after I finish my therapies ler so I submitted my picture #21 (please refer my friendster main picture display =D), enter the contest as Ueto Aya.

This is Ueto Aya, not me la =_=”

And then hor…. long time din check email mah me cos was too sick, discovered that unexpectedly…. I made it into the preliminary round as one of the top 30 contestants from a few hundred of girls and boys who joined the contest =) !!! Wuahahaha

Click here to see the email I received (image too big to fit in the blog)
email from samsung.bmp

But too bad, in the end I didn’t make it also because:
1) Hahaha I forgotten to check my Gmail
2) It was during my 5th week of treatment, I look like ghost lor, “fai si” scared away all the judges. More like I join the contest looking like “Ju on” than Ueto Aya.
3) There will always be another chance wat since if this one also can make it to 2nd round ngek ngek ngek.

So I’m very determined to join next and next next and more next next next all sort of star search, beauty contest in future ahaha. Why ah? Uhmmm bcos hor I always wanted to be ambassador of Unicef representating Malaysia to save children around the world and usually most of the ambassador of UNICEF oversea (HK - Gigi Leung, Korea - Won Bin) are famous artist…. and I’m a nobody. Lol at least should try to gain some fame mah~ Unless being a blogger is eligible to apply for that post la… I hope! Then 5xmom, Chan lilian will be our most suitable candidate liao.

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I can eat like normal liao weeee~ I can open my mouth big big to put sushi in. I can drink sour fruit juice (green apple, orange) liao! Yea, and I think food is very important lor…. because the color has returned to my pale face already. Hehehe here’s the sneak preview of my new haircut! Will update more later when I’m free. Need to go see Dr.Foo today.

YES! YES! I have regained back my health! Huahaha, YuinYin is back in action again on a mission to save the world! Ngek ngek ngek =X.

(Oh ooopss… lupa go kutip the my award from babyfiona this morning. Yesterday couldn’t access her blog though.)