You know the link on top of blogspot where you can randomly search for a blog? About 2 years ago, I stumble upon a blog of a 16 year old singaporean girl who has leukemia. I followed her blog for a few months from the time she was still active and smiling till the time when her condition worsen. Day by day she became weaker. Later, her sister help update the blog for her while she spent most of the time lying on the hospital bed.

Each time when I read her blog, I feel so sad and at the same time I wish for miracle to happen. I wish that God will let her live. Her friends and relatives were very supportive. They made her cards and banners wishing for her quick recovery. Then one day, there is no longer an update anymore. I think it was somewhere around May 2006 that she passed away. She was so young. 16 years old is too young for her to die. She have yet experience life, achieve her ambition, go dating, study in university. Life is so unfair sometimes.

I feel a bit pain lately. Pain on the right occipital region and at the angle of mandible where the tumor was removed. I’m not sure whether I feel pain because I was just too tired and stressed studying for exam or because the cancer came back. I had a small chat with my surgery teacher the other day. My teacher was very anxious about why am I here in Russia. I should stay close to my oncologist at home.

Supposedly, in all kinds of cancer, radical surgery should be perform to remove all the cancer cells. If present spreading/metastasis to adjacent tissue, lymph nodes and organs, it should be resected as well. But my lymph nodes were not removed. Because Dr.Foo say I might lose my hearing on right side and my facial nerve might be injured if they perform another surgery on me. So she prescribed me radiotherapy to kill those cancerous cells. In case the radiotherapy not working and there are some remnant of cancerous cells, maybe it will come back again.

What if….. the cancer came back?
Maybe I’m too paranoid and worry too much but I don’t want to die yet. I love everything in my life now. I had a new life, I made new friends, I have a new vision in life. There are still plenty to do. I have yet collected enough from nuffnang to sponsor my kid from WorldVision and go to Rome with Ken. I have planned where to go for my postgraduate studies, my future wedding, my future daugther’s name. What if… suddenly all this things will be taken away from me and I will die?

I wonder who will help me update my blog? My sister or Yvonne.
I wonder who will bring me white roses for my funeral.
I wonder……
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If I die one day, will you cry for me?

Will you still remember me?

*I have psychiatry exam later in the afternoon. And I’m feeling headache along with a pricking pain in my right parotid gland region now. Probably I am just too tired and stress. I wish I could lie down and have a good sleep right now but at the same time I’m afraid that once I go into sleep, maybe I will never be able to wake up again.