Just another out of frustration post.

*Note: I’m in a sad, confused, angry, disappointed, weird state now. To be exact I feel loveless, hopeless, lifeless. Please give me a break. I seriously need some time off to talk nonsense.

When walking down the aisle on the street, I saw a lot of young couples holding hands appeared to look very happy. But will their happiness last for long I wonder? Of all the hundred of couple on the street, who will be together till marriage and death separates them? I was there once yesterday. Felt happy before. Enjoy doing stupid little things that every couple do. But very often it won’t last long. In the end I am still walking alone on the aisle myself.

Human can be overcome by greed easily sometimes when they own too many things. I became greedy as well. Though I clearly know from the beginning, I no longer qualified to catch fairy tales anymore but I still try to catch it. Once a cancer patient, forever I will be a cancer patient. And most people choose despise me because of this medical history. No matter how hard I try, no matter how beautiful I’m trying to make myself to be, no matter how smart I am….. in the end one word kill it all.

Cancer is not a terminal illness, it can’t kill you but it does kill the confidence you once have, it kills every hope and chances you have in life. I wish I never have to hear people telling me “I wish you never had cancer, and then for sure we will have a definite future” over and over again. I wish God would grant me a wish today, I would desperately wish that I was never sick. People who have no even a bit of knowledge in science and medic wouldn’t understand the real situation. They just like to bite people using the knowledge that they think they know so much about cancer. Pure stupidity is what we called them? Or was it sakai, stubborn and refused to accept the fact? Sorry, I had never use my status to look down on anyone or insult anyone’s level of education but seriously sometimes, from my point of view, you are f*cking stupid!

I envy those who are happily married. Seems like marriage is the key that holds eternity. No matter where you are, no matter what happen, you will still have that someone with you always. I do really admire those survivors of cancer that have found their happiness. It is a million time harder than you think to find someone who doesn’t mind about your past. If he doesn’t mind, his family will mind. If his family doesn’t mind, his relatives will mind. If his relatives doesn’t mind, there are still a lot of outsider will mind; friends, neighbours, community. Nothing can come so smoothly.

I have tried so hard putting a smile on my face and tell myself “It’s ok. It’s ok.” But I am just running away from reality. The truth is I am not strong at all, I am not tough. I am so sick of looking at those pitiful face that people showed me because I know in their heart, they are laughing at me and thinking how wasted I am. I don’t need such kind of attention in my life. They are hurting me, pricking my heart with needles. (To all the sua ku, sam pat aunties, please stop calling my house and ask my mum stupid questions and fake your sympathy when your true intention is just to kepoh so that you can go around and tell people how sad is my life! I know someone is definitely reading at this, whichever aunty daughter or son.)

I feel very tired of holding on. I need a break.