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It’s amazing how I managed to get through this and to be where I am now. Even I myself sometimes find that it’s so hard to believe. It feels like everything just happened yesterday. Everything happened so quickly and suprisingly without going into much deep thinking and consideration, I just somehow agreed to my doctor; “Yes”, “Ok”, “No problem”, “Go ahead”. I felt that someone was controlling over my body during that moment. Whatever result the doctor announced to me, I just nod and take things like it never something too big to affect my life at all. Though there were times when I feel extremely painful, I dropped a few tears and close my eyes, praying silently in my heart hoping that the remaining days will pass very quickly and the pain will disappear along with it.

3 months ago, things seems to be not right at all for me. Everything turn upside down and turn bad out of a sudden. I feel really broken hearted and lost at that time. And perhaps the worst of all, when something bad happened, people that you have trusted and supported over the the years decided to betray and leave you behind. But in the end, I managed to lift up my spirit and pull back myself together, start stepping forward again because I was left with no choice. Hurt, pain, sadness made my cancer cells grew faster. Throughout the 3 months, I was always in enthusiasm bearing a happy smiling face, trying my best to face the hell-like treament.

When all ended, suddenly for unknown reason, I feel some kind of sadness coming back to me again tonight. Perhaps because the wound in the heart hasn’t heal yet or maybe it will never heal. This kind of hurt caused by betrayal feels more painful than the pain caused by side effect of radiotherapy. Maybe I should have listen to what my psychologist told me, cut off all the connection from people who hurt me, then I’ll be able to live a happier life.

I am in a speed recovery now. I have just finished one of the big challenges in life. Life still goes on and another challenge awaits me. Despite all those weird glaring and negative feedback/gossips/rumours I get from people, I think nothing can hold me back from moving forward now. I am one one step closer to my dreams - which majority of people think it’s unrealistic. At least cancer bring me a new experience in life, it gives me a new perspective on life. I learn how to protect people’s feelings from getting hurt by other inconsiderate people. I learn how to comfort and soothes heart pain (sakit hati). I know and understand how it feels to be a bit different from a normal person. The insulting gaze I get from people, the unpleasant words that I heard…. sometimes it really hurts.

No matter what people got to say, cancer have certainly made my life more beautiful and I’m proud of it.

I have started to eat! Hooray! Though in a small portion but I’m glad I could eat again. It has been almost a week I’m on milk based diet, feels so much like a newborn lol. But hey most of the ulcers are gone now, I can open my mouth wide enough to swallow sushi! Haha so happy I get to eat Unagi sushi at Rakuen today. The Unagi was yummy~ Luckily still can taste it. I think I need about 1 month for me to get back my tastebuds to taste again. =( Baskin Robins taste awful in my mouth now, oooooohh can’t wait to taste the sweetness of orange sherbet topped with chocolate again! Went to find Yvonne just now but she seems very tired and exhausted and she was sleeping just now. I wonder when will her struggles with NF will ever end? I hope one day someone could find a solution to correct the genetic error, then NF patient don’t have to suffer so much.

Posted in Blah blah blahZ, Cancer & me, From my boxy head, Message from the heart, Personal thoughts, c'est la vie