I suddenly thought of writing this after reading Yvonne’s post yesterday. There are some silly people from Kursk telling me that they envy me la. Because I got cancer, I extend my summer holiday from 2 months to 4 months. Because I have cancer, I will have special permission from the uni to go home during winter holiday. Because I have cancer, my life seems to be very happy right now. And they told me “I wish I have cancer too”. Be careful with what you wish for.

Please don’t think that having cancer is so fun. Though before this I suspected there’s something wrong with my health, but I never wish that it would be cancer. All the things I’m experiencing now, I’m trying my best to endure it. Cancer is suffering no matter physically, mentally or socially.

Though I have 4 months of holiday but I can’t enjoy it. I straight away go to SJMC for medical check up 3 days right after I landed in KLIA. And since then, I’ve been going in and out Subang Jaya Medical Center and it became my second home. Everyday I feel so tired that I’m sleeping at home all the time for 15 hours+ per day. I spent 2-3 hours in SJMC daily except sat and sun. On wednesday, during my chemotherapy, I woke up at 7am, go to SJMC at 8.30am and spend few hours there till around 2pm. Half day will be spent in hospital, when reach home, after taking medicine, I will fall asleep because side effects of painkillers are drowsiness and sleeping. The remaining time I can only sit at home, the only thing I can do is go on9 and blog. If without this blog, my daily life would be boring. Because I’m that kind of active person who like to go kai kai everyday. I like to look at the trees, look at the busy people working, look at children playing in the playground…. I love to look at life because I enjoy life.

But because during my treatment, my immune system is severely weaken. I can get infection very easily. I can’t go to mamak stall lepak with my friends at night because there are idiots sitting on the next table smoking there puffing smoke to your face directly. I can’t go out shopping because of the crowd. I can get all kinds of disease from the crowd. I can’t do french kissing because the harmless microflora of the mouth can even give me pneumonia. I miss my friends a lot but everytime when they ask me to go out, I have to reject because I can’t go out to the crowd. Sorry……

So you think I’m living a happy life eh? The unbearable pain that I’m experiencing, I can’t do anything to make it go away except to endure it and try to forget it. There are times when I couldn’t bear the pain any longer that I broke down in tears. Even when I cry, I will cry softly to myself because I don’t want anybody to worry about me. I know my friends will feel sad when they see how suffering I am, so I rather not show them the painful look. See, Yvonne cried when I told her my biopsy result is cancer. I want to see my friends smiling for me because seeing smiles on my friends’ face give me courage to go through this. There are many reasons for living and I chose to live for the people who loves me. I will become stronger each day to protect these people.

So you wanna get cancer eh?
- the boy next to my bed during chemotherapy has nose cancer. None of the family member have cancer. He’s the first. So how it happened? According to him, during the 3 yrs in the college, he had to stay in hostel. Far away from mummy’s cooking, the fast and easiest way to settle your lunch and dinner is McD la. Everyday also eat McD. Then one day nosebleed non-stop and CT scan show nose cancer.
- smoke 5 packs a day beginning from now. Within 2 years you also can get nose cancer de. Mentioned in the previous post.
Nose cancer is better for u guys la since treatment is shorter. Breast cancer and ovarian cancer treatment take 9 months leh!

The song “san gatsu ka” from 1 litre of tears is my favourite. I memorise the lyrics and can sing it also but too bad redbox dun have. Read the lyrics translation, it’s very meaningful. Those students in Kursk always think I’m very fake because I like to do charity. Even if people ask me what do I want to do in future, I would tell them I want to build an orphanage and people thinks that yuinyin is crazy and someone should catch her and send her to Tanjung rambutan! But that’s me, I love life that’s why I chose medicine as my profession because I want to protect lives.

I want to give life a second chance to live. That’s the motto in life I have.

Just because I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t club. I don’t seduce guys, I don’t cheat in exams, I don’t twist and turn stories to hurt other people’s feelings, I don’t want to be neutral(HYPOCRITE)…. they think that I am weird etc etc. Though people always say if you can’t beat them, join them. But you know all those things mentioned above are not good at all… think again, will you join them? Even if you give me 1 million dollar, I also don’t want to live a meaningless life like that.

Ooops… I sway away from the topic. Anyway, here’s the lyrics for 3gatsuka9. I hope you’ll understand the meaning like how me and Yvonne see it. Probably because we both are going through things that other people don’t understand, we see things in a much more different way. Enjoy singing the song! Probably can have a blogger gathering and we’ll sing together =P.

3gatsuka9 - remioromen
Nagareru kisetsu no mannaka de
Futo hi no nagasa wo kanji masu
Sewashiku sugiru hibi no naka ni
Watashi to anata de yume wo egaku

San gatsu no kaze ni omoi wo nosete
Sakura no tsubomi wa haru he to tsuduki masu

Afuredasu hikari no tsubu ga
Sukoshizutsu asa wo atatame masu
Ookinaa kubi wo shita ato ni
Sukoshi tereteru anata no yoko de

Arata na sekai no iriguchi ni tachi
Kiduita koto wa hitori ja naitte koto

*Hitomi wo tojireba anata ga
Mabuta no ura ni iru koto de
Dore hodo tsuyoku nareta deshou
Anata ni totte watashi mo sou de aritai

Suna bokori hakobu tsumuji kaze
Sentaku mono ni karamari masu ga
Hirumae no sora no shiroi tsuki wa
Nan daka kirei de mitore mai shida

Umaku wa ikanu koto mo arukeredo
Ten wo aogeba sore sae chiisa kute

Aoi sora wa rinto sunde
Hisu ji kumo wa shizuka ni yureru
Hanasaku wo matsu yorokobi wo
Waka chiaeru no de areba sore wa shiawase
Kono saki mo tonari de sotto hohoen de

*Repeat

In the middle of this drifting season
I suddenly feel the length of the days
In the midst of these quickly-passing days
You and I dream away

With my feelings on the March wind
The cherry blossom buds continue on into spring

The overflowing drops of light
One by one warm the morning
Beside you, I’m a little embarrassed
After a huge yawn

I’m standing at the door to a new world
What I’ve realized is that I’m not alone

If I close my eyes
You’re behind my eyelids
How strong has that made me?
I hope I’m the same for you

The dusty whirlwind
Tangled up the laundry, but
The white moon in the morning sky
Was so beautiful, I couldn’t look away

There are things that don’t go the way I planned
But if I look up to the sky, even they seem small

The blue sky is cold and clear
The fluffy clouds float by quietly
If I can share with you the joy
Of waiting for the flowers to bloom, I’ll be happy

From now on, I want you to be quietly smiling beside me

If I close my eyes
You’re behind my eyelids
How strong has that made me?
I hope I’m the same for you