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In those our childhood all-time favourtie classical fairy tales produced by Disney… Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty… though at first they lived a very difficult life but in the end, the prince will come to seek for them and they live happily ever after.

I read my ex-primary classmate blog yesterday. She too had ovarian cancer few years back in 2003. I can feel the same uncertainty that she felt all these years. I understand why she’s so kan cheong about her love life.

Cancer had made a big changes in our life. Though we recovered, more or less we somehow can never be the same person anymore. Other things that use to be very important; luxurious life, ambition, money etc become meaningless to us. We yearn for simplier things like love, comfort, security. Family, love, friends, children, siblings are the only thing we treasure. (That’s why u know why am I so desperate to get married now?)

I feel envious sometimes with other older patients. Most of them are happily married with few children. They get so much so support from their husband/wife and their children during the times when they have to go through cancer. I saw every bedside, there the husband/wife will be, sitting there holding their spouse’s hand making sure she/he is safe in their hand. I too desire for a husband for me to hold on to when I feel tired.

If we are still single, unmarried… it’s just so difficult. Guys there are always more fortunate than girls because girls are more soft-hearted and emotional. When the guy have cancer, most of the time the girl will choose to stay with him unless his gf is a total b*tch la. For girls, most of the time we’ll get dumped by our bf when they find out we have cancer. Not to say what, but I seriously think that guys they are much more selfish than girls. Like Edrei said, cancer can be inherited. But how true is this theory I wonder? Because of this theory, guys will think a zillion times twice before loving you. Because they worry that their future offspring will get cancer too.

None of my family member, relatives have medical history of cancer. I’m the first and the only one. Can I blame my parents for this? My parents did not give me cancer, they gave me only the best of everything. The other boy who have nose cancer also doesn’t have family history of cancer, so do the other auntie from sabah and that uncle from kepong. We did not ask for it and cancer just choose any victim they like.

In this world that we are living now, do you think normal healthy person can’t get cancer meh? Polluted air that we breath (idiots smoking in mamak stall dat we lepak, our stupid neighbour who must do open forest burning every few months and give us jerebu everywhere), fastfood that are convenient for us (McD, KFC, Burger King, etc), lifestyle ( boss never increase salary but make us work like mad, OT everyday no time to exercise and sleep well, living standard keep rising and fuel price increase again… STRESS!!!~~), emotional factors (depression, the thought of commiting suicide, etc etc).

Though a lot of times, cancer make us tougher and stronger in some way but sometimes it leaves us uncertainty in another part of life. Can we or will we be able to write the ending of our story with… “and they lived happily ever after”? Why can’t give us a chance? Because of the things we went through, we’ll definitely be a better wife and mother because we once almost lose our life and the most important things in our life.

…I want to live happily ever after…

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P/S: oops… sorry Edrei and xiaoyun, i accidentally ter-delete your comments while moderating. Mind writing it again? I read already though, dun worry. =_=… sigh somebody or anybody can teach me how to use that anti-spam programme? I am a total comp idiot…. goodness have accidentally deleted 4 comments from edrei, xiaoyun, pookyma, winshoo. SORRIE~

I feel very suffering right now. The pain and everything worsen. My tongue, not only just the side, now the whole tongue feels painful. I think probably no one will experience this before, I found blisters at the tip of my tongue! It’s so difficult to move my tongue because it is very very painful. It will gonna take few days for the blister to go away.

This is my tongue. See, it looks very screwed up.

For the first time, tears are rolling down my cheek uncontrollably even though I’m not crying. The pain is unbearable. There are some blood and greenish phelgm in my saliva, I think my throat is very inflamed. The only thing I can do now is rinse my mouth with Biotene mouthwash every 30mins to ease my discomfort and pain… and waiting for time to pass away quickly. I can’t wait to get better soon.

In addition to phobia to eating, I now have phobia to sleeping. I feel very very tired but I feel very scared to fall asleep. Because everytime when I wake up, the condition of my throat will get worse and pain will increase. At least when I’m awake, i constantly drink water and moisten my throat. During sleep, I’m unable to do that and my throat will become very dry and painful. I’m seriously not sure what to do now. I feel hungry but I was unable to eat. For the past few days, I still can eat cooked oat meal. Now besides milk, I don’t know what else can I take.

I seriously hate the feeling right now. When I recover, I will make sure that I will never be this sick anymore. It is really unbearable. I wish everyone will treasure their health properly. Don’t get cancer. The process of overcoming it is really really terrible.

If I could become oncologist one day, I wish I could help other patient to ease their pain because I understand how unbearable it is.

Dear readers, thank you so much for dropping by. I finished my treatment finally!~ But however the pain and other side effects will continue for about a week. I’ll try to blog when I’m feeling well. I feel very weak today. My throat hurts and it’s very painful that I couldn’t swallow anything. Probably because I didn’t eat much today that’s why I’m feeling so weak and so tired.

This period will be my weakest time, infections will occur during this time if I’m not careful. My tongue now got infected by candida albicans as well that’s why it feel so painful and I couldn’t talk properly. Few more days, the pain will go away and I will soon get back to the active me. I’m looking forward to see my friends again. I will compensate all the missed outings k?

I sent my sweetheart Huimin off in KLIA this morning. She told me a lot of people reading my blog out there, silently supporting me. Thank you so much! ^^

=D Finally get to watch “Secret”. *K came back from Hong Kong last friday and brought me out for the movie. Yea, the sick and weak me accumulated all my energy and strength from my 16 hours sleep just to stay awake to watch that movie. A bit disappointed couldn’t get the twin seat though.

This movie has meaningful storyline. I like it very much. Jay unleashes his real talent for acting here. I guess, it’s different when you’re the boss eh. You can act freely like how you want. Those hongkies director really lousy la for making Jay look like kayu in previous movies.

Initially was watching “Secret” then later end up watching me. *K said I’m so similar to 小雨. Because we both are so weird “mysterious” that’s why we do not have many friends. Haha but isn’t it he’s weirder for falling in love with this weird girl with a weird cancer?

Yesterday, he told me he feel scared seeing me like this. Those cancer therapies are robbing so much from me. From a noisy, active, chan kai cute, bubbly girl, I become like a walking zombie now. So tired, so pale looking, and rarely speak at all. I can only tahan for maximum 3 hours going out, then automatically my body show signals that I need to rest.

Waaaahh… too much about da bf liao. I didn’t see him for a week ler, of course I’m just being very sexcited… ahem excited. Lol sorry for all the crap here. Cos ran out of idea about what to write since I’ve been sleeping and sleeping only these few days.

So the good news is I lost weight lor. Then the flabby tummy fat disappear liao. Akaka, it’s so difficult to lose that part ler. The bad news is I think I’m getting fungal infection in my mouth again because white spots start appearing on my mucosa and then my upper lips got blisters… Ouch!~ Damn tu lan when got blister la cos it’s damn painful!!! Have to be careful everytime i drink water because it hurts when the cup “langgar” my upper lips.

Ehehe and I’m still learning how to mess with Wordpress. So tahan for a while la, I’m learning!!!~ And will have more updates soon, probably tonight if electricity dun go off tonight. *Pray hard, cross fingers. =D

Thanks everyone for the comments and message in cbox. Lol, these 2 days don’t know why I feel very tired and exhausted. Yesterday I woke up at 2pm! Then after drinking a cup of milk and took my medicine, I went back to sleep around 3pm… and then woke up at 8pm. Then later at night sleep again. Like my ah jie say, I really turning into a pig!

Probably is the side effect of drug or maybe because I eat too little. My tummy upset, couldn’t digest food properly. After eating I tend to vomit everything out. Aaahh lack of energy. I’ll update my blog again and reply all the comment when I’m feeling better.